I thought I was strong enough…I guess not

xenaWhen I heard the news, I was ecstatic.

My favourite actress was coming to Australia and I wanted to be front and centre at where she was going to be in early April…Lucy Lawless at Supanova! But I’m in Perth; she’d be in Melbourne. So without even giving it a second thought, I purchased my airfare and searched for a hotel to stay at.

That was without a thought, and now I’m facing a dilemma.

I grew up watching Lucy Lawless on the hit 1990s television show Xena: Warrior Princess. I was a new teenager then, had just moved countries, didn’t know my place in the world, didn’t have a lot of a friends. I looked forward to Saturday nights when the show aired; it was the one hour of the week where I could disappear and fantasise about being just like Xena – independent, strong, powerful and beautiful, taking on the world with ferocity, kicking arse against the bad guys and being a ‘superhero’ amongst the needy. Because of Xena, I began tae kwon do and earned my black belt four years later, wanting to teach the martial art to others and share my knowledge, be a generous provider to the community and ultimately, be just like her but in the modern world.

Sure, I look back at the show now and sometimes laugh…the first season was definitely poor on the special effects, but we’re talking about the 1990s, and back then I needed a female role model (besides my own mother) to aspire to.

Then over the years I began to learn, from just hearing in passing, of the woman behind Xena. Lucy is a devoted mother, surprisingly great singer, environment and conservation activist, an overall nice woman making her mark in the world.

So now I have a plane ticket and hotel booked to go meet her and have a photo taken with her.

But I don’t think I can bear leaving my nearly-six month old for three nights while I travel to Melbourne on my own and have seriously considered reneging on my Supanova weekend away. I question myself, is it worth all of that, all that money and being away from my child to experience perhaps less than 10 seconds with a woman who greatly defined a part of my earlier life? I’ll get to meet her for what will seem like one second, she’ll smile, say hello, we’ll have a picture taken, perhaps I’ll have her sign something and then we’ll never meet again.

I’m sure…no, I know other mothers have experienced the same thought process. I mean, I can’t even put my daughter in her own bedroom to sleep at night; she’s still in my bedroom where I can hear her breathe, watch her sleep, make sure she’s safe within arms reach. I’m not even ready to leave her with a babysitter for even an hour.

I ask myself, “How do I get over this? Is travelling to Melbourne for three nights too much to start my ‘weaning’ process?” I’m so excited the warrior princess herself is coming to Oz but seriously, I’m not quite sure I’m ready. I know my days and nights will be spent wanting to know if my daughter is alright, is she crying, is she laughing, what milestone have I just missed…my brain will be like 50 million tabs open in a browser.

Thus my dilemma.

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